There is nothing quite like an old friend. They remind you of your potential. They’ve seen you at your worst. They’ve rejoiced in your highs and stood beside you at your lowest.
These friends call you out on your bullshit, give you another perspective on an issue and hold space for you as you try to figure yourself out.
You know you have a true friend when you haven’t seen them in months / years and you can pick up right where you’ve left off.
I’m very blessed to have friends from all walks of life over the years, I may not see them for years but when we reconnect, it’s as if it was yesterday when we last spoke!
I spent most of my life in conditional, one sided friendships.
Constantly being the giver, whilst secretly feeling resentful of the unbalanced relationship I had attracted. Yes, you read that right.
I ATTRACTED these people.
Some were only friends with me because of how I could help them. I would only hear from them when they needed something.
Some were heavily codependent and god forbid we have a discussion about their issues…. Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt!
The more the elephant in the room grew, the more suffocating & stagnant the friendship became.
I’ve spoken before about ghosting in relationships. Yet it happens frequently in friendships, quite often without any explanation to the recipient. They find themselves blocked, unfriended and rejected. Cast upon the scrap heap of unwanted friendships.
I’ve ended toxic friendships & I’ve also been ghosted. I’ve also experienced a mutual ghosting, whereby there was no need for any further discussion…the friendship was over.
The common denominator in all cases, was that I finally woke up and called the ‘friend’ out on their bullshit. It didn’t go down very well! Why would it?
When you take an active role in a one sided friendship -the receiver is happily receiving….your time, your advice , your generosity etc.
Certain individuals masquerade under a helpful charade, sending the odd friendly text or pm. The only time they lift the phone is when they want something from you…. Talk is cheap and so is positive intentions! Actions speak louder then words. Another aspect is that life’s givers tend to have major problems receiving.
If you find you have an issue accepting a compliment , asking for advice or defining a healthy boundary with your friends…..look around your circle. I guarantee there will be a covert narcissist in it.
Covert Narcs thrive on unsolicited advice. They are always right. They are incredible at mimicking empathy but they lack any trace of such emotion. Any project you undertake must get their approval, they must help you or will simply turn up uninvited “to sort you out!”.
You will feel under constant obligation to this individual. Any help you receive from this person will end up being paid back tenfold with a peppering of passive aggressive comments thrown in for good measure at your expense. You will find yourself compared to other more helpful individuals.
A major indicator that you have a covert narc around is that you feel very drained or disempowered around them. You will also be waiting for the ‘hook’…the real reason they called you!
You also realise you no longer confide in them, as your secrets are used against you as an example of your failures or the blatantly disregard your privacy. To your horror you realise it’s open season on your private life.
Narcs hate boundaries.
They have a sense of entitlement to you. They feel threatened by your other friends and will try to plant seeds of doubt about their loyalty, even telling mahoosive lies to get you to fall out with them. Then they have you all to themselves. All that energy supply just for them to feed off!
The minute you begin to push back you will incur their wrath. You will be called ungrateful & disloyal, they may even drop you completely, (they will only do this if they’ve another energy supply lined up).
You may feel rejected and simply wanting space. They might take you back only after you’ve apologized profusely and they will dine off this indiscretion on your part for months!
Sometimes we put up with this treatment as we find ourselves alienated. When you loose your confidence, you don’t feel at your best. It makes it difficult to break out of your comfort zone. All you want to do is retreat away from an uncaring world.
You need to be honest with yourself. It’s time to work on your boundaries and self love. Get a therapist , take a class, get outside & connect with nature.
Reconnect with yourself , family , hobbies or old friends. Don’t settle for half arsed Frenemies who couldn’t care less about you.
How about you start by being your own best friend. For only then can you recognize yourself in others.
©️Fiona Ní Mhuirri