10 April, 2019 09:13

There’re in a better place:(I wish I could be in a better place)

At least they’re free from pain:
(This conversation is painful)

They wouldn’t like to see you upset:
(Your tears are making me uncomfortable)

They had a good run:
(Old)

Sure they were a good age anyways:
(Old again)

At least they didn’t die roaring:
(Grief Shaming)

You can get on with your life now:
(More heartless grief shaming)

You’re young enough you could still meet someone else:

(You are a complete dick)

I’m sorry for your loss……👌🏻

Next time you offer condolences to someone be mindful of the language you use. The death of an older matriarch/ patriarch can devastate an entire clan, well intentioned ageist statements can offend deeply. The family know how old their loved one was, that doesn Make it any easier, if anything they had longer to love them. Their legacy will forever be woven into the patchwork of their lives.

The death of a partner can leave the existing widow / widower having to completely reevaluate her life. Coupled Friends may pull away due to their own ignorant insecurities.
Do not suggest they get back out dating. It is an incredibly heartless suggestion and says more about how uncomfortable you are sitting with their pain. Learn to keep
Your mouth shut and listen.

Suggesting a loved one is now free from pain is the most dumbass statement ever. It not only serves as a trigger to the suffering they endured but as a needless reminder that they are dead.

Comparing deaths is akin to grief shaming. All Families grieve differently and offering empty platitudes such as “at least they didn’t suffer” to
People who are clearly suffering is thoughtless. Following up that statement with “so & so had it way worse at least they went peacefully” is grief shaming at its worse.

Finally do not say they are in a better place to loved ones that are in the worst place in their lives. Whilst the saccharine intention is to depict a heavenly state of calm, loved ones can find it very distressing to think their loved one has moved on without a care for their current state.

I’m sorry for your loss still is the most honest and sincere form of condolences to offer.
It is usually in the weeks / months following a funeral that the silence can be deafening.
A phone call , a walk, a coffee date and physically checking in can make a world of a difference to a grieving soul.
It’s not about you.

©️Fiona Ní Mhuirrí

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By Fiona Faery

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