The term ghosting in the dictionary is defined as:.
the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.
Picture the scenario you’ve been seeing this wonderful guy for several dates. You may have each other’s numbers, usually WhatsApp etc. You may have met online and done some C.S.I. style research on him.
So far you like what you see, you feel yourself opening up to him, talking about hopes & dreams for the future. You make plans for the coming weekend.
The following day you hear nothing, but not wanting to be clingy give him space. The day after nothing but you make excuses thinking he must be busy. Later that evening you go to send a “U OK?” text and realize it’s not reading as read. How odd you think. Paranoia begins to creep in and you check Facebook and various other apps and the startling realization, that you have been completely blocked online dawns on you. Your last Facebook message simply has a grey icon with Facebook user on it where his picture was before.
You’re confused, wondering has he been hacked or has something worse happened, so you get your friend to check their profile on their phone and by magic they reappear once more.
That’s when the confusion gets replaced by the sharp sting of rejection. You forensically go through every text message, frantically replaying every conversation in your head, scrambling for a clue as to why they cut you off. You have been ghosted.
“The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love without the intention of loving her” -Bob Marley
It is an act of complete narcissistically driven selfishness to ghost someone. You must have the emotional range of a teaspoon to cut another human being off without so much as a thought to their feelings. Sadly this is all too common. Cancel culture is all about instant judgement. You literally guillotine your way through dates. Seeking your ideal perfect mate.
If you have ghosted someone you are an asshole. The worst kind.
It is an act of immense cruelty to lead another person on without having any intention on following through with your words.
Yes it extremely squirm & uncomfortable having to tell another that you’re just not into them, but you are also showing character & consideration for that person by not leading them on.
I’ve listened, while a guy I was dating a few weeks shouted at me how angry & hurt he was that I was ending it. It was extremely awkward but I gave my reasons as clear & succinctly as possible before we went our separate ways.
No one wants to be the bad guy. The wheel of life will always turn. You will get to be the dumper at some point and the dumped at another. Do unto others as you would have done unto you…isn’t that how it goes?
By being clear about how you feel (or lack of), you give the other person clarity (closure will come later) of where they stand with you. You both walk away from the encounter with a better idea of what you are looking for in a partner.
If you are reading this and you’ve been ghosted. You need to know that you are enough and you always have been. Don’t let it stop you going out on dates. Surround yourself with good friends who remind you of why you’re such a great person to be around.
Normal people don’t run around causing harm to others. I truly feel individuals who ghost others have narcissist personality traits. A Narcissist will always portray themselves as the ideal soulmate you’ve been searching for. The will quickly ascertain if you are the ideal prey that fits their ‘type’. Usually kind, passive, eager to please and bend to their will. Anyone who displays a sense of independence or god forbid….boundaries is akin to Kryptonite to a Narc! They will ghost you quicker then you can hit unfriend! You have dodged a bullet!
I know it may not feel like it right now, but your spirit has deflected a wounded soul. Not to mention sparing you ten times the heartbreak down the road.
Instead of analyzing why you weren’t good enough, how about you realise you’ve just dodged a seriously shallow individual and get right back out there and shine your gorgeous light for all to see!
Let it be a valuable lesson in holding on to your power and not trying to ‘fit’ into the ideal partner mould for your date.
The right person will love you for exactly who you are. Those who ghost others are haunted by their own demons of perfection.
They are more to be pitied. Waste no more time on the woulda, coulda, shoulda‘s. Lesson learned, chalk it down to experience and onwards!
©️Fiona Ní Mhuirri